Bridge over Troubled Water
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: Because when you turn around and look desperately for someone, he might be the one standing there. Quietly. WK fic.
1. The Beginning

**When you're weary**

**Feeling small**

**When tears are in your eyes**

**I will dry them all**

**Bridge over Troubled Water – Simon and Garfunkel**

**Chapter one – The Beginning**

It should have been raining. That blue sky was indecent when she thought about it. The sun pierced through the large windows and came to embrace her body like a delicate reminiscence of the summer that had nonetheless left a few months ago now. But she wanted to feel cold, and lonely. No one could appreciate such a weather when deep inside the heart, the clouds had covered everything with a black veil of stifled cries. At times the world simply didn't match her state of mind.

Crossing her arms on her chest, Karen leaned her head against the window and closed her eyes. Even the contact with the thin layer that separated her from the outside wasn't cold. She wished it had been. Then a chill would have run down her spine and she would have felt alive. In pain perhaps. Probably.

Damn. The nursery. Between the disillusion of the negative result and the sentiment of emptiness that she had tried to fill through a ridiculous phone call to Stan's children, she had forgotten about it. But it was there, now. And it burnt, harshly. The key was in her bag, abandoned by her desk. Protectively, she turned her back at it and looked by the window instead.

The sun blinded her and all of a sudden, she remembered her father's funeral. It hadn't rained that day either and she had found it odd. Being only seven by then, she had assumed that whenever someone was put in grave, the sky let its sorrow pour out through a veil of icy rain.

Warm temperatures should have never been allowed when one stepped into a cemetery. It rhymed way too much with life to seem possible, acceptable. Just as the sun had slid on her father's coffin before it disappearing under the ground for the eternity.

The phone rang in her back. She didn't go for it. Eventually the person would leave a message. It was just that she didn't feel like talking. As a matter of fact, she wasn't sure that she would have been able and articulate the slightest word without bursting into tears. Because the tears were close, now. Just on the edge of her eyes and tightening an invisible grip on her throat.

Jack had left in an awkward hug and confession before leaving her alone with that bitter if not obvious disappointment that she had tried to hide as long as her friend had been her side. Now that she thought about it, she should have never confessed him the slightest thing. Just in case, because of what ifs. The exact same ones that were hitting her hard now and she was paying the price for it. Quietly.

She should have known better instead of rushing into things and conclusions like the novice she wasn't. The truth was that she had simply hoped that for once, it would go her way. That it would be her turn and her life would finally make sense. But she had only failed, one more time. And nothing was left of it all, now.

A wave of sobs suddenly brushed her lips and she swallowed it back, leaning her head against the window; closing her eyes tightly. No, she wouldn't cry. Not now. Never. Hopefully the dinner she was invited to with Stanley in the evening would do the trick and get her focused on something else. Something light. For once, she was eager to actually go out. The mansion would have turned oppressive, even more the door at the end of the corridor, opposite the small library. She would have passed by it and she would have stared blankly at the knob that she wouldn't touch anymore. Because it was over, now. She knew that it was. Irremediably.

"A failure. A complete failure, Grace. But maybe there is some hope over..."

The voice in her back made her jump and she turned on her heels immediately, hiding a last sob and a couple of tears that had managed to run down her cheeks. Will was standing there, in the middle of the office. Briefcase in hand and obviously surprised by her presence there.

"Grace left an hour ago. I guess that she had to meet her mother somewhere near Times Square."

Bobbi Adler's presence in Manhattan had broken down everyone's routine and all their references had exploded into a zillion pieces before laying there at their feet; not making that much sense anymore. It was a mess and Karen felt lost among it.

"Are you alright?"

He had seemed to hesitate before daring to say the words that made her blush instantly. She cleared her voice as if to get rid of the discomfort that was slowly growing between them then shrugged, going to pour herself a mug of coffee. Her eyes caught the negative pregnancy test in the paper basket. Will was standing close to it. What if he noticed the opened box? Facing Jack's reaction had been enough to deal with. She didn't want to have to go through it again with someone else. Will like any other one.

"Of course, honey. Of course, I am. Why wouldn't I?"

They spoke, from time to time. As a matter of fact, she enjoyed his presence. Will was one of the rare people she relied on for a reason that she couldn't explain. It came naturally, as if they understood each other with an undeniable logic. Grace and Jack probably knew about it but nobody dared to say it out loud and it was all about pretending the exact opposite; like two children who showed their love only through teasing behaviors.

Children. Karen held back a bitter laugh. If she couldn't have any then perhaps she still could act like one. Pitiful compromise but better than nothing.


	2. At the Corner of 37th and Broadway

**Chapter two – At The Corner of 37th and Broadway**

As soon as she stepped into the restaurant, the contrast of temperatures with the street embraced her cheeks and made her smile. A quick glance at Will who was readjusting his coat back on his shoulders after the piece of clothing had served to them as umbrella and she made a few steps towards the young hostess to get a table for two. The place was crowded with tourists, exhausted children asleep in their strollers while exotic languages melted into the constant metallic sound of silvers.

The place was immense, impersonal and noisy. Actually, Karen wondered if they weren't the only two New Yorkers in the room as she took her seat and sat by one of the large windows overlooking Times Square. Not that it would have been surprising if she took the place in consideration and the fact that it was a Saturday evening.

The Olive Garden; if an acquaintance spotted her there, she would die at the scene.

Opening the menu without the slightest interest, she caught Will's gaze then froze for a few seconds as a roar of laughter rushed up her throat and they both burst out laughing uncontrollably. In a motion of apologies, Will shook his head at her and bit his lower lip before staring blankly at the lights outside.

"I am so sorry... Talk about an evening!"

The day before, he had showed up at the office only to propose her a ticket for a musical that he should have seen with Grace but her mother being in town, the red head had had to change her plans at the last minute. Being Will's plan B hadn't bothered Karen that much. As a matter of fact, it even seemed rather logical when she thought about it. She wasn't _his _Gracie and would never be.

She had accepted because an evening out with Will and only him would be more than welcome after the chaotic path she had gone through. Will was nice, smart and quiet enough to take her seriously when needed. Just like now.

They had met by the theater only to realize that the tickets they held were for the next week. Stepping out a bit defeated, the rain had surprised them and they had run a bit aimlessly towards the first place that wouldn't deny them access. At no moment had they wanted to call it a night and simply postpone the whole evening to the upcoming week. It hadn't even crossed their mind.

The Olive Garden or some sticky table at McDonald, they didn't care that much as long as they could speak for a while and with a complete sincerity without fearing anyone's gaze around.

"Don't... There is always a first time to everything, no?"

Confused, Will looked back at her and frowned. Obviously her comment had taken him aback and he didn't know what to say, what kind of answer to give back. Playing a bit nervously with her fork, Karen shrugged and looked aside as timidity suddenly spread over her mind.

"I have never eaten at The Olive Garden before..."

A young waiter, probably some wannabe Broadway star, appeared from nowhere to take their order. It wasn't a place where they would be able to take their time. The objective of the house was clear: the more customers, the better. No mattered it all went quick.

"I don't know why I am surprised by such confession. Obviously, this isn't the kind of place where Stan takes you out."

A tired smile. Every time people now alluded to her life as if completely inseparable from Stan, she had to give them a tired yet quiet smile. As if since the day she was born, her existence had depended on the wealthy businessman and she couldn't exist without him.

Stanley Walker was her third husband. They had been married for eight years now which represented a very minimal part of her life when she thought about it. But still. People simply couldn't imagine that previous to her current husband, she had had her own life; sometimes a tad different from the one she was leading now.

"How is he doing? How are _you _doing?"

The waiter brought their drinks, asking mechanically if everything was alright. She hated it. It was like someone having a permanent eye on her when all she wanted was to share an intimate moment with a friend and certainly not with a man she would only see once in her life.

The neon of Times Square embraced her Martini and Karen observed the peculiar result for a while. It made her win some time as well, a necessary moment to choose her words wisely. A baby cried in the background. She swallowed hard.

"Busy, as usual... The Chinese market has been tough with the company lately but I am not worried at all. Contracts will be signed on time and Walker Inc. will keep on making money. As it always does..."

The despicable tone of her voice as she mentioned financial benefits didn't pass unnoticed, neither from Will or herself. That was a 'first time' as well. She was getting tired of money to a point of disgust. Not that she was about to renounce to her fortune but it was a whole, starting with the monotony of her life. Money was just a tiny part of it, as a matter of fact. Yet Will didn't insist, for whatever reason.

"Let's propose a toast to this rainy, cold and full of surprises evening. Obviously our plans flew out of the window but the good thing is, we still found a place to share some time and talk."

She gladly joined Will's motion and raised her Martini until it lightly clinked with his Margarita. Out in the streets, the wind had embraced the rain and was blowing hard; the drops crashing incessantly on the window by their side. It almost looked like an August storm, one of these that showed up without any warning and cleaned the asphalt of the slightest piece of paper abandoned then.

Except the summer was already far behind and November had come. Soon enough it would snow and Karen would lose herself in the quiet torpor of lonely winters.


	3. Will, Grace, Jack and I

**Chapter three – Will, Grace, Jack and I**

She hadn't outrageously flirted with him. As a matter of fact, it had simply resulted into a game of a so-called seduction because he was young and attractive. She wouldn't have gone any further if she had had any chance. The thought made her laugh quietly. She never had any chance with him. She had just gone into CPR basics when the plumber had needed it at Grace's office and all of a sudden the guy had showed up; muscled, healthy, untouchable. Jack couldn't have believed that she would have slept with him yet he had looked disappointed and worried, pushing her out of the office as Stanley had waited in the limousine.

Life might have been boring at the mansion, the mere concept of infidelity had never crossed her mind. Because it was wrong and didn't match the idea she had of a marriage. Yet that thirty-year-old man had showed up from nowhere and she had tried to seduce him if only lightly enough. It had never happened before and now that she thought about it, Karen couldn't help realizing that she had reached a new stage in her life; because it would have never occurred a few months earlier.

Her eyes went from the scoreboard to Jack who was sipping a pineapple juice on his seat opposite hers. She smiled at him almost timidly and bit her lower lip. She had never liked bowling matches but Grace and Will had required her to practice before their upcoming finale with Rob and Ellen so she hadn't had a choice but to accept. At least it had the credits to save her up from an evening alone at the penthouse.

"Karen? It is your turn!"

Grace's voice took her out of her daydreams and reluctantly enough, she went to grab a ball. Aware of the gazes on her, she tried to concentrate on her goal but every time she did so, pressure crept in and a bit in vain, she lost any control over her motions. She had never scored a strike; never got good results. Bowling didn't suit her; period.

Her miserable failure got followed by a long, heavy silence from her friends and not knowing what to say, Karen went back to her seat on the couch.

Poker, pool; these were games that she could handle rather well. Any card game that consisted in a couple of lies, making people believe some things that couldn't be further from the truth. She owned a bunch of master skills at these ones but they left a bitter taste in her mouth.

"There is a Beckett reading on Thursday at the Public Theater. Are you interested?"

She hadn't seen Will approach. One more time, she had lost herself in her thoughts; the man whose life she had saved the day before, the other one she had tried to seduce if only playfully. Casting a glance at Jack and Grace who were fighting over the final results of the bowling match, she finally turned around and looked up into Will's brown eyes. He had sat down by her side, almost nonchalantly.

"No Olive Garden, this time?"

Will shrugged, obviously playing along. Of course he hadn't forgotten their odd evening on Broadway; braving the rain and the crowd of tourists to end up feeling lost in their own city. Odd sentiment.

"I will book a table for two at The Rainbow Room."

Her smile froze for a few seconds. It didn't sound like the plans they usually went for. Such a place was a very romantic one if she dared to say it out loud. But then it was Will, only Will. A bit confused, she nonetheless nodded and raised her eyebrows in disbelief. Perhaps he was just trying to catch it back after the odd evening they had shared the week before. She was high-maintenance and he knew that.

"Alright... What time?"

Stanley had to leave for China on Wednesday. He had told her just before she headed to the Riverside Drive apartment. They had argued; because he hadn't told her before, because he didn't want her to go there. At some point, he had always requested her presence by his side. But now it had just turned into an optional if not rare demand and she always stayed in New York. Alone.

"7.30pm sharp. We can have dinner at 9."

She might have always been relatively close to Will, his sudden interest in her sounded strange, surreal when she thought about it. Had Jack told him about her negative pregnancy test? But even though, did it really change anything at all? She wasn't the first woman to get disillusions about a pregnancy. As a matter of fact, it was a pretty common thing. Even more for a thirty-eight-year-old.

Karen nodded at him in silence then turned around to welcome Jack and Grace with a smile. The match was over, now. Of course she had got the worst score but couldn't care less. The evening was only at its beginning and as usual, the hours would fly by but at least she would smile. Her life had changed since she had met them and even though she had never managed to thank them properly for that, she thought about it every time; at every moment. Of course she wouldn't say that they had saved her or something like that but at times it happened to be rather close, especially at night.

Will, Grace, Jack and her. Their friendship found all its paradox in a strength that time made look a tad too precarious. She hated thinking about the future; when Grace would get married and the guys would settle down. Because by then she would be left behind and nothing would be the same anymore.

"Come on, now..."

Will grabbed her hand and she let him lead her to the exit enjoying the warmth of his skin against hers. It was one strange relationship she was having with him but at least she had never tried to seduce him. Not like the CPR man at the office. Something had changed obviously and she didn't like it.


	4. Never Alone

**Chapter four – Never Alone**

Standing on the terrace of her penthouse reminded her of the fairy tales her father used to read her as a child; how the princess was trapped in some unreachable tower and only some prince charming could come and save her from a dull life. The only difference was that in reality, Karen was already married. And she had nobody to expect to get her out of a gray monotony.

The clinking of two mugs in her back made her turn around and a cigarette stuck between her lips, she smiled at Will. He was holding two mugs from which steam escaped in a whirl of near invisibility but as he looked up and noticed the snow flakes falling around outside, he decided to remain in the library and settled down there; waiting for her patiently.

Her unsteady steps led her inside and giggling for no particular reason but the vapors of alcohol that had surely gone to her head early in the evening, Karen sat down on the floor before grabbing one of the mugs.

"You know, I guess I shouldn't drink more. I am rather intoxicated already."

She was literally slurring. Will was probably amused by the scene, considering that he was used to see her drink and yet keep up an apparent sobriety, but he didn't make fun of her at all. Instead, he simply took a sip in his own mug and shrugged.

"It is herbal tea."

That time, their plans had worked out, from the reading to The Rainbow Room and the canopy of the Manhattan buildings spreading below their feet in the night from the top of the famous midtown building. They had laughed. And talked. And lost themselves in considerations over their respective lives. Just a nice, smooth evening. But all of a sudden, the room had begun to dance in front of her eyes and it had been over. She wasn't drunk but tipsy. Sweetly tipsy; the kind of state that made one forget about issues that usually darkened an existence. The world seemed lighter through the fog of alcohol. It was such an addicting sensation.

"Have you ever slept with a woman?"

She didn't mean to sound intrusive. Probably a bit curious, just that. Hiding herself behind the mug, she looked up at Will and waited for his reply. Since she knew him, she hadn't met any of his dates. It was well known that from time to time he met some guys but it never seemed to go very far. Yet she could not say that he was a lonely person. As a matter of fact, she was even convinced that she was a lot more lonely than he was. Appearances were simply tricky.

"Her name was Diane. She was twenty-one... It turned out to be a disaster. Quite a big one. I never told Grace about it, as a matter of fact."

Perhaps she shouldn't have asked such a thing because now the conversation was adopting the shades of a serious tone and she needed to concentrate even more to not just simply giggle around and lose it all in the vapors of the Martinis she had drunk.

"I bet that she was beautiful."

Her remark took him aback. He had probably been expected another kind of comment like a request for an explanation over the reason why he had spent the night with a woman. But the truth was that she did not mind that much. After all, he had the right to try. Like anyone. Karen simply assumed that his eyes had landed on the most beautiful one he had been able to find.

"She was... Tall, blond. Nice smile."

"I can picture you out with a woman. I know... It is just that you are sweet; and kind enough. Protective too. And good-looking... Yes, you would make a woman smile."

Her tea spoon fell down on the floor and she giggled, playing with it for a few seconds. It was rare that one of her friends stopped by the penthouse when she actually loved that. Leaning her head backwards and closing her eyes, she smiled brightly then sighed.

"I think I had too much vodka."

"Are you going to be alright?"

Her nod vanished in a laugh and she turned around to face him properly; standing a few inches away. It had been a nice evening, really.

"Why didn't you leave for China with Stan?"

So now it was her turn to answer a personal question. Except that one hurt; for not owning any answer whatsoever. Her husband hadn't asked her. He hadn't requested her presence. It was tough to admit that even to someone she relied on. Even to herself in all honesty.

"Because I wanted to stay in Manhattan."

It was a lie. Instinctively, Karen looked down at her lap and remained awfully silent hoping the words would find a nuance of truth through the seconds.

"I hate being married. Yet it is all I have ever known...!"

Her bitter confession came up from nowhere but resounded loud in the empty mansion. She probably took him aback again but that time, she was too ashamed to actually say anything more. It was already quite embarrassing to slur like that in public.

Then, without any warning, she looked up at him and bent over; cupping his face in her right hand. She could feel his breath embrace her own face. It was hot, and welcoming. Her lips brushed his cheek and she smiled against his skin.

"Thank you for the evening, Will. Thank you for everything."

They resumed their conversation as if nothing had been said; as if nothing had happened. Anyway, she had drunk too much and truth to be told, she was in desperate need of some company. Will had understood and nicely enough stayed by her side until she drifted off to sleep. There, on the cushions by the large fireplace. The morning after when she woke up, he was gone.


	5. Whatever Lies Behind These Eyes

**Chapter five – Whatever Lies Behind These Eyes**

Once, there was a flame burning high; giving a gorgeous shade to her hazel eyes. She had seduced a lot of people like that, through a mere gaze. But then the years had passed by and a wind had blown it all away without any warning. Nothing laid anymore in her eyes but the bitterness of a failed life.

But for the very first time in a while, as Karen looked up in the mirror and found Will's gaze reflected there while he was standing in her back, she surprised herself finding a delicate light of hope through her hazel pupils.

Perhaps something would change. Actually, perhaps something had already begun to change. Hopefully. Swallowing back a wave of apprehension, she waited for her friend's opinion.

"The red one. Definitely the red one."

If Will hadn't been there, she would have gone with the one she was wearing now. An ankle-length, silk black dress. Classic, feminine enough to highlight her generous curves and not too bright. She knew it was about subtlety. Beauty didn't lie in artifices but wise, simple choices.

She couldn't help but frown which her friend noticed immediately. Obviously exasperated, Will rolled his eyes then sighed loudly. Almost dramatically.

"This isn't a funeral but an evening at the opera. Besides, you already have a thousand black dresses. It is good to change from time to time, you know. And to be honest, this deep red one suits you very well. It highlights perfectly the paleness of your skin. Then you look like an antique doll. Almost fragile."

Almost. Because then you added the cigarette she would probably hold at some point and the drink; a Martini preferably. Then the doll myth flew out of the window as fast as it had showed up. Fragility had to be a mere trick of appearances. She wouldn't allow herself to be. Never. Or never again if she had to be more precise.

Karen pouted for a few seconds, observed herself one more time in the large mirror of the fitting room then abdicated in a quiet nod to her friend. Why not, anyway? A deep red was an elegant, classic color as well.

"You'd better match this dress, I tell you."

She had invited him. For once, she had made the first step and offered him a ticket for the opera. Once, she had gone through his CD's and noticed that he liked Offenbach. Stanley being out of town, she had taken advantage of it to invite Will to Carnegie Hall considering the programming was one of the most famous operas by the composer.

She wouldn't have dared to ask him about it only a few months earlier but lately Will hadn't ceased to go and invite her. Every time, they had spent a nice moment together and if she had had to be honest, she had to recognize if only through half-words that an evening out allowed her to focus on something else than the negative pregnancy test that had never really left her mind since then.

"That's a deal. I promise it is."

And a few hours later as Karen stepped inside the large lobby of Carnegie Hall, she smiled when seeing him. He had held his promise; wearing an elegant black tuxedo. Yet as she locked her eyes with his, she could sense something else in his gaze. Something she had rarely witnessed in him. A sort of anxiety, as if the moment made him nervous unless he simply had wished to be somewhere else; to another date. Had he met someone on his way to the concert hall? Had he actually met someone a few days earlier and a bit out of politeness to not turn her down at the last-minute, had had to postpone an evening out with a man? She didn't like what she saw in his eyes. So she focused on his smile. A half-true one, maybe.

"See, you did right to buy the red one."

Accepting his arm, she led him to her box, the one she rented for the whole year. Stanley came with her at times but he always ended up falling asleep. It made her feel ashamed but she didn't dare to say the slightest thing to him. So she coped with the embarrassment, quietly.

"I am sorry, we got stuck in traffic. It got on my nerves and I dismissed driver for the evening. He just can't pull this damn limo through Manhattan avenues."

"Then you should try more often this thing called walking; or taxi. Do I dare to mention the subway?"

Karen gave him a curious look, almost a confused one. At times she gave into cabs or even a train for no particular reason but something she assumed to be a pure whim from a wealthy, heartless soul. Almost grotesque as if to pretend and get closer to reality if only for a couple of minutes. She had grown used to limousines and private chauffeurs. To caviar, fur and diamonds as well. Luxury was addicting. A tad empty but nonetheless addicting.

The lights got turned off and glad enough to have an excuse to not go any further in the conversation, she concentrated on the stage; the immensity of it that always tended to make the singers look tiny, too vulnerable in the spotlights. Like victims of some Greek tragedy.

And soon enough she forgot all the rest, lost herself in the emotional voice of the heroine. A tragic love story that seemed to get all its dimension with a cruel beauty. The voice inhabited her, creeping to her heart with an old melancholy and she could feel the tears brushing her eyes. Probably one of the most powerful performances she had had the chance to attend and she only hoped that it would last if only for the eternity.

And then she felt it. Warm, soft, protective. Holding back a gasp, Karen looked down at her hand where Will had laid his without any warning. She didn't say anything, didn't look up at him but kept on staring at their intertwined fingers for long seconds until the opera singer reached a desperate note in her agony and Karen focused back on the opera. A confused surprise lighting up her tired, lifeless eyes.

And they let the music transport them to another land; hand in hand.


	6. Breathing For No Reason

**Chapter six – Breathing For No Reason**

From all places, he had had to choose that one. Not that he could have guessed of course but still. It was an unfortunate coincidence and even though she was trying her best to not let show the slightest feeling, Karen knew that at some point, she would be invaded by a sensation of failure.

Because she had failed. Somehow. People would tell her that it wasn't her fault, that she hadn't done a single thing wrong. But it didn't change the facts that she had now to face. And those were harsh ones. Plunging her lips in the hot chocolate, she tried to sweep those thoughts away in order to focus back on the present time. After all, it was better like that. Why did one always try to run after the past, to catch up on the future? The present was always pushed aside, unfairly enough.

"Brian. His name is Brian. Handsome guy from the second floor. A bit shy perhaps but what a smile!"

She didn't like when Will told her about his flings. As a matter of fact, she had never really cared about it but lately, it had gone on her nerves. For making her feel empty, useless and standing in the dark. And then there was that jealousy that married people had towards the others who were at the bright, unique moment of a relationship beginning.

"... Which is why I accepted to go out with him that night. But of course, after a while I had forgotten about all these first-date rules..."

She barely listened to him. Anyway, even if she had wanted to do so, it would have been impossible in such a place. First the noise, then all the children running around. And eventually, the mail in her bag. She hadn't had the courage to take it out of it then throw it away in a paper basket. Not yet.

"But he isn't the one. You know, there isn't this sparkle people constantly talk about."

Which were lies but she wouldn't tell him about that because she knew Will too much; too well. It was the kind of things that he wanted to hear. He believed in love at first sight, in soul mates and romantic ways of life. In all honesty, she only believed in facts. Bare ones.

"So it is over, isn't it?"

She couldn't help but smile, inside. She preferred him to be single; a pure selfish sentiment but at least thus, she was sure that he would always be here for her. What if one day he found someone? He would push her aside and she wouldn't know what to do, how to go ahead. Will was a strong reference in her life. It was just that nobody knew that. Will nodded to her question.

"And one more time, I will be the only person alone on Thanksgiving at my parents' house. It is not funny to not have a significant one when all the others around you do."

A woman passed by their table with a four-year-old child; chocolate on the toddler's face but that flame in his eyes that said it all. From the childhood innocence to the easy, simple pleasures of life that adults tended to forget so many times.

Karen observed them, holding tightly her mug of hot chocolate. In the background, she could land her eyes on the Rockfeller Center ice-rink. It was full at that hour of the day. No mattered the snow hadn't really stopped falling down since the morning.

In the meantime, Will kept on talking; as if he had never ceased.

"And I don't even mention the children part. It is painful to always be the uncle and never the dad. I do hate that... How about you? How come Stanley and you don't have children yet? You would be a good mother, I guess. In all honesty, I mean it. I... I don't know. There is something. What are you waiting for exactly?"

The words hit her violently but against all expectations, she never stopped smiling. As a matter of fact, she rarely did. Because she didn't want to talk to people; because it was all secretive. But things were different with Will. They had always been but lately, their relation had reached a new degree and since Carnegie Hall, it seemed alright to tell him a couple of things.

He would understand. He had to. If only she didn't even have to speak, say it out loud... Then it would turn to be so easy.

"I can't have children. I can't have any..."

The words floated in the air and she tried to study them, to analyze their sounding and the effect of the echo left on her mind. But it was unreadable and all of a sudden, Karen felt lost; confused. What she had just said couldn't be related to her. She didn't want to. It didn't have to be true.

Obviously, her confession took Will aback and hiding his discomfort with difficulty, he frowned then tended his hand towards hers. She couldn't be mad at him for such a gesture even though it was all she wanted to avoid in the first place. She let him do.

"I am sorry. I had no idea... When... When did you get to know?"

Her hands tightened their grip to such a point on the mug that her knuckles turned white and they began to hurt. She swallowed hard then locked her hazel eyes with his brown ones. There were way too many children around her right now; too many wonders haunting her mind. Perhaps she should have waited a bit more to let him know because it might not have been the right moment. But it had had to come out.

"This morning. I had been having doubts for a while so I had been to a checkup. The results were in the mail this morning. I am sterile."


	7. The Silence Around Me

**Chapter seven – The Silence Around Me**

It barely lasted ten seconds but every time she enjoyed the chilling air wrapping up her red cheeks and the peculiar sound of the sled sliding on the snow until she slowed down then stopped.

As soon as she began to slide down, Karen noticed that she was going faster this time around. Jack had pushed her stronger obviously and as the wooden sled passed by the pine tree, she knew that she would not stop that easily. She hit a bump and suddenly lost her balance, literally flying off the sled, up in the air before landing loudly in the snow. For a few seconds, she stayed still on her back and looked at the blue sky. It was a beautiful day in Vermont; a perfect one.

And then, it came up suddenly. Boiling into her stomach before embracing her lips. As Will ran by her side to check that she was just fine, Karen burst out laughing hysterically. It hadn't happened in a very long while and the sensation left by the spasms were deliciously warm.

"Karen, don't move! I go get a cam!"

She turned her head around only to see Jack hurry back towards the cabin a few feet further. Will took her hand then helped her to sit up. But she didn't want to move. She was fine, there. Surrounded by the snow in a singular, comforting way. Finally abdicating, Karen sat up and took off her snow hat, shaking her head to release her auburn hair properly. Coming to Vermont had turned out to be an excellent idea. If only for a couple of days, she was leaving her problems behind and could enjoy her time.

"Are you alright?"

Restraining her endless laugh, she nodded at Will who sat down in the snow by her side. After a quiet lunch at the cabin, they had decided to go out skiing except the material had been nowhere to be seen and they had had to finally take the sled instead. It was a very old one that Stanley had brought back from Austria for Mason and Olivia a few years earlier.

Grace had gone out with Campbell. Second time in Vermont, second time they went out together. Of course it wouldn't lead to anything but at least it gave the red head a nice moment as well, far from the stress of the city.

"You are crying..."

Sweeping away a tear of laughter, Karen shrugged at Will's comment then smiled brightly at him. They hadn't seen each other a lot through the past two weeks. He had been busy at work when she had had a few charity events to attend. No face-to-face since she had told him about her being sterile. It might be better like that, anyway.

"It is nothing."

For a few seconds, she stared at his lips then went to find his gaze. Her laughter had now subsided in a quiet, bright smile. The mountains were silent around them; the sun warming up their faces. And all of a sudden, Karen didn't know what to say anymore, didn't know what to do. Slowly, she leaned forward only take her distance again as she heard Jack in her back.

"I got it! Damn... I told you to stay in the snow. Why did you sit up?"

She kept on smiling even though everything had frozen and she felt now extremely embarrassed; a bit too confused to really pretend that she was fine.

She had clearly tried to kiss Will. For a reason she couldn't understand, even less explain. Yet she could not deny it and now she couldn't look at him properly. One more time, she had ruined everything. It had to stop. Right now.

The rest of the afternoon nonetheless flew away smoothly. She just didn't go back on the sled and after a while, decided to have a hot chocolate at the cabin instead. Grace came back late at night when all the lights had been turned off but alone in bed, Karen didn't manage to fall asleep. Remorse had been invading her for a while.

Because she had almost kissed Will. Without any warning. Any reason.

She didn't go to speak to Grace. Eventually, they would find time in the morning to do so. And quietly Karen would feed herself of her friend's genuine happiness for having a date, for living that sensation that the whole world was at reach. All of a sudden. She had felt it once too but then had got married and everything had vanished in a whirl of bitterness.

Thirsty, she nonetheless got up and after making sure that the corridor was empty, she headed on her tiptoes to the kitchen for a glass of water. She should have taken a bottle with her earlier but troubled by the events of the afternoon, she had forgotten about it and gone to bed without any.

The water was cool on her throat and only when she turned on her heels to go back to her bedroom on the second floor did she see him standing by the stairs; a smile on his lips. Will had been looking at her quietly. For how long? A bit taken aback and trying to hold back the surprise his presence had stirred, she swallowed hard and nodded her head at him, unable to smile properly.

"Thirsty?"

She let him approach but he didn't stop at her level and went for the fridge instead to grab a bottle as well.

"Goodnight..."

Her voice had been inaudible, a bare murmur of uncertainty; an extreme fatigue accumulated through the years. And the sentiment that she had broken everything down into pieces. As she put her hand on the banister of the stairs, she felt his on her waist. Stifling a scream of surprise, she turned around and let her gasp vanish against his mouth.

He had captured her lips in an eager kiss. Just like that. In the dark of the cabin. In the middle of the night while it was all so quiet around.


	8. Day After Day

**Chapter eight – Day After Day**

Usually, she just had to count until three and he burst out laughing, his big blue eyes embraced by a light of joy and lightness that she had always envied him. Then, automatically, she burst out laughing as well and cherished her time with Jack as if it was the most precious of her belongings. And it was, when she thought about it. Without knowing it, he had saved her more times than she could remember.

"Can't you just go and play outside? I am trying to work, here."

Looking up at Grace, Karen opened her mouth to reply but finally preferred to remain quiet. Her friend was stressed. The projects were accumulating on her desk and she seemed unable to handle them all as she should. It wasn't the right moment to go on her nerves.

"I can help you, Gracie. This is why I am here in the first place but you won't let me touch the slightest thing."

A bitter laugh accompanied the interior designer's answer. A bitter laugh punctuated by nervousness; a high dose of barely hidden anxiety.

"Karen, a monkey would do better work than you."

She would have added 'period' to the end of her sentence that it wouldn't have sounded any harsher. Jack gasped but one more time, Karen preferred to remain quiet. It had been low from Grace, and tough, but she just couldn't bring herself to blame the red head. Too many things had been going on, lately. And if there was no guilt coming from them, Karen still felt a bit out of place when she wanted to tease Grace. As if it weren't that right at the end.

Since Vermont, she had seen Will twice and by 'seen', she meant intimately; far from anyone's eyes. At times, she wondered if their encounters would remain occasional or if they would fall into some sort of a dizzy whirl like in those romantic comedies. And one day, she would wake up realizing that she was unable to live without him. The thought made her laugh, lightly. Will was just her lover, a friend with benefits.

Now she simply owed Grace a form of implicit respect. As if it would change the slightest thing. It was pure cowardice when she thought about it.

"Aren't you supposed to have lunch with Will, honey?"

Will. Will, Will, Will, Will. She loved saying his name out loud. It was like revealing their secret, a bit of excitement coming out of it and it made her feel ridiculously proud. She was cheating on Stanley but the truth was that she hadn't been that happy in a very long while. It wasn't logical but she didn't give a damn.

Suddenly, her remark seemed to make connection with Grace's head and restraining a gasp, the young red head jumped off her stool before grabbing her bag. Within five seconds, she had left.

"You blushed."

Confused by Jack's words, Karen looked at him and frowned. He had leaned his chin on the palm of his hand and was staring at her intently as if trying to read her mind and the secrets she kept there safely. It wouldn't work out. She knew it. For decades now she prevented people from penetrating her thoughts.

"What do you mean?"

Jack giggled then shrugged. He almost looked embarrassed, now. It took her aback and subconsciously, her heart beat faster as her blood turned cold; too cold in her veins.

"When you mentioned Will. You blushed. It was cute... Just a bit illogical, though."

Her smile froze and she hoped that he didn't notice it. Luckily enough, she didn't feel a wave of heat up her cheeks. Actually, it was pretty much the opposite. She felt immensely pale, all of a sudden. It wasn't right. She was supposed to be good at lying. Years of practice had made of her a master in the field. As well as at hiding things, a thousand things.

"What... You are hallucinating, Jackie. I can't blush. It is a side-effect of my many face-lifts."

Yet she stood up immediately and went for a mug of coffee, avoiding meticulously her reflection in the mirror hanging above the coffee maker.

The truth was that she felt untouchable. Just like those people who were at the beginning of a love story and they didn't stop smiling; didn't stop saying that everything was at reach. Well, she was feeling alike and it was such a warm sentiment. An ephemeral one perhaps but she couldn't care less.

Until now. If Jack had noticed something, it might mean that her little stratagem wasn't strong enough to make it through life; day after day. She would have to be more careful.

"I want a man..."

Jack's remark made her laugh. Slowly, she took a sip of her coffee then bit her lower lip.

"Then go and buy one."

Jack rolled his eyes dramatically and pouted. Pointlessly, he grabbed a fashion magazine and began to leaf through it without even looking at the pages properly. He was bored, lost in his dreams.

"Easy for you to say. You are married! It isn't as if you have to look for one anymore. You got the right one and now you can enjoy him."

It wasn't that Jack wasn't a good observer but for some reason, he had assumed right away that Stanley was the perfect husband and that together, they went happily through years of marriage when it was the whole opposite she was living if only silently. Of course she rarely mentioned it in public but she had supposed that it was obvious enough. They never kissed, never held hands, never looked in each other's eyes, never talked that much. Their couple wasn't dead but had turned invisible and pointless. Day after day; step by step.


	9. The World According to Karen

**Chapter Nine – The World According To Karen**

The world according to Karen was made of disillusions and incomprehensible facts. From the failed dreams she carried on to her blank observation of strangers, she felt in the way most of the time. Once, she had even come to the conclusion that she wasn't supposed to take part in whatever was happening; all around her. Because it didn't make sense to her. And she didn't recognize herself in it.

It hadn't changed now that she had an affair but the contrast between what her brain told her and what she kept on seeing has subsided if only slowly. Subtly. The thing was that she had other priorities, now. Shameful ones for most of people but sweet and warm for her own heart. Will's touch was bittersweet yet indispensable to her gray days as if she couldn't but rely on him as soon as something occurred and she didn't know how to deal with it properly.

"Kiss me..."

Her request found an answer in the warmth of his lips and as she rolled on her back, Karen passed her arms around Will's neck; wrapping her legs around his waist. Now they barely saw each other but at the hotel. The gloomy connotation of it found resonance in her heart and she didn't care that much. She was there to have a good time, with someone she got along. And for an instant, she forgot all the rest.

"Thanksgiving."

His short comment made her raise an eyebrow, questioningly. A quick glance at the window and Karen noticed that it was still snowing. A delicate, white Saturday in the city. In her lover's arms. It was quite arousing. The last days had been cold in Manhattan, extremely cold. But she had barely paid attention to them at all. Other things kept her mind busy; other plans and perspectives.

"What do you mean?"

Honey. The word stayed trapped in her throat. Since she had begun to sleep with Will, all the affective words she used to come up with didn't manage to make it to the air. Thus, she had stopped giving him any kind of nickname when alone with him. It didn't sound right, besides.

"Thanksgiving at my place, with my family. Grace won't be there but I would like you to be."

Third year in a row that she would celebrate it with him. She didn't see any objection at it. Stanley had a tendency to go at Cathy's to have a family moment with his children, and his ex-wife. For some time Karen had accepted it but now she was glad to have other plans; with different people. They would not judge her for her marriage and the choices she kept on making. It would be relieving.

"Sure..."

The fact he asked her in such intimate moment, while she was naked under him, resulted odd. At times it happened to her, the way she thought that it shouldn't have been that way around but something very different and she found herself a bit confused before it. Not at ease. Just like now.

Will smiled back at her. She loved when he did so. His brown eyes seemed to get embraced by a flame that warmed up her heart and she felt less lonely, all of a sudden. If only for a few seconds. Biting her lower lip, Karen shrugged at him then stared at the ceiling. It was all about seduction between them. As a matter of fact, it had always been. Implicitly, subconsciously. Now they had simply reached another level.

"Good, I don't want to face them all by myself."

It must have been a generation thing because she was just alike; and Grace, and Jack. Family reunions were synonyms of nightmare and a friend's presence could change it all. Although she rarely had to go to such gatherings now she thought about it.

"Your brothers..."

Will felt like speaking. She couldn't blame him, even less ignore him. After all, when it was her turn, he did listen to her complains rather diligently.

Rolling on his side and taking definitely a distance from Karen's body, Will nodded then leaned up on his elbow. She wasn't in the mood for a talk. Not at all. But she didn't dare to say anything. Just in case she would lose him for doing so.

"My brothers and my parents. They judge me in permanence. The slightest thing. And why I am not a replica of the perfect son: a wedding, a loan, children. The whole thing happening in the suburbs. It is oppressive. I wish sometimes I didn't have a family."

He didn't mean it. Actually, nobody could mean such a thing because for having lived it herself for so many years, Karen knew that not a single person would have loved getting such a thing. For quite a long time, she had held her father responsible of that whole mess. After all, things had worsened when he had died. Before that, they had been happy, and rather innocent. Then it had only been a succession of cheap, gloomy road trips.

But she didn't say it out loud. Because it wasn't the right moment, nor the right place. Instead, she just looked down at her fingers and lost herself in the contemplation of her wedding band. How come did she not feel the mere guilt? How come she could so easily sleep with someone else than Stanley?

"At what time do you expect me to come?"

Will's cell phone vibrated in the silent room. He turned his head around in direction of the item but did not go for it. Instead, he locked back his eyes with Karen's then shrugged.

"Noon..."

The world according to Karen obeyed to strange rules. Rules that nobody understood, not even her. It was a mess of intricate connections that hurt and were bare; cold, abrupt. At times a semblance of ideal scheme showed up but it never lasted long enough for her to get addicted to it.

But deep inside, secretly kept far from daylight, laid a couple of dreams that she hoped to bring to life. Yet in the meantime, it was all about appearances.

Bending over and planting a soft kiss on his lips, Karen winced at Will.

"I will be there at one."


	10. About Being Thankful

**Chapter Ten – About Being Thankful**

"What a cute family picture..."

It was Grace's sarcastic tone of voice that made Karen turn around. Glass of wine in hand, she stopped the conversation she was having with Jack only to look at the red hair questioningly. Grace was holding Will's digital cam; obviously going through some pictures.

"Karen... I would have never thought that I would say that one day but you almost look normal when holding a baby in your arms."

As if to confirm a blurry feeling Karen hadn't had time to identify, Grace did it for her as she came up with such comment. Immediately, Jack rushed to the sofa where the interior designer was sat and had a look at the digital cam. Before bursting out laughing almost uncontrollably.

"Now I didn't know that Marilyn and George had seen you as the perfect wife for their gay son."

From the kitchen, Will only rolled his eyes before focusing back on the chicken he was preparing for dinner. Thanksgiving had never looked so far, all of a sudden. Yet it had only taken place three days earlier. But reality had kicked in again and swept the nice, peaceful moment away as if it had never had a chance to actually exist.

Because, yes. Karen had loved it. For the very first time, she had felt like she had belonged to some real family and not a cheap imitation of one as she had experienced so many times in the past. She had not remained passive, besides. After a few minutes, she had given in and let all the rest behind. If only for a few hours, it hadn't been about Stanley, about the amount on their bank account or the number of events they had attended together during the past months. It had been different, exotic somehow. Relieving.

A bit awkwardly yet hiding her excitement, Karen made the few steps that separated her from the sofa. She sat down there and Grace tended her the cam.

Emma. Two months old and big blue eyes. She could have just been another new-born, a baby that she would have seen for a few hours in her life before forgetting completely about her but immediately and a bit harshly, Karen had realized that Emma were probably born more or less on the same day that she had learned she wasn't pregnant. The negative pregnancy test hat hit her back unexpectedly. And it had hurt; a lot. Then, as if succumbing to some invisible strength, she hadn't been able to let go of the baby. Will's brother had taken the picture. She hadn't seen it but remembered the moment perfectly.

And there she was now, with Emma in her arms and Will by her side; as if engraved on a screen for the eternity. And who cared if all of this was just a breeze?

"Please don't tell me that you mistook her for a Martini..."

If Grace's comment was genuinely deprived of nastiness, Karen couldn't help but feeling how it hurt in silence; somewhere deep inside. She wasn't about alcohol and pills all the time but playing this game so many times, it only seemed fair and right to get back such remark.

"I don't drink during the holidays. It is for amateurs..."

Jack chuckled.

"Then what do you do?"

Unable to break eye contact with the picture, Karen shrugged and swallowed hard. She felt like getting rid of the photo. No. As a matter of fact, she had to. She had to get rid of it. And now. Except her hand was stuck and her fingers didn't move.

"I let time go by."

If lightness had dominated the whole conversation so far, her singular comment spread embarrassment over the living-room of the Riverside Drive apartment and nobody knew what to say anymore. She had used a very low tone of voice compared to her usual one; wrapped up in bitterness and the shade of a couple of things that would always be out of reach, even in dreams.

She had stayed at Will's that night. When his whole family had left and that a wave of silence had got over the past hours of conversation and sentiment of life. She had been cold, all of a sudden. Her arms had been bare, pointless. She had been missing Emma.

They had made love, fallen asleep in each other's arms before waking up in the same bed the very next morning. Like a normal couple. Just like that. Except there wasn't any child. Any family whatsoever.

Any purpose in their relation. It had hit her rather harshly but after all, she was married to another man and Will was just a pass time.

"Get a life, Gracie."

Will's voice made them all suddenly turn their heads towards him. Had he noticed her silent despair? A quiet feeling of bitterness now that Emma came back in her life but only through a ridiculously small screen. And there was no heat in Karen's arms. Absolutely no sensation that someone was living close enough so she noticed it.

"But come on... It is true. Actually, you and Karen make a great couple. You are very cute together. And with Will's niece in your arms... Well... It is like one of these family portraits that only perfect people go for at the end."

Karen looked back at the picture. Actually, it was the first time that she saw herself next to Will since they had begun to sleep together. Purely sexual encounters; on a frequent yet not regular basis. It was almost as incomprehensible as the rest of her choices when she thought about it.

She looked well, next to Will. Grace was right. And with Emma in her arms, it added something to the scene. But that something had suddenly died.

Her throat tightened and she swallowed hard.

In an attempt to hide whatever was coming, Karen gave back the digital cam to Grace then stood up before going to Will, glass in hand.

"My baby is empty, Wilma. I need a refill."


	11. Through Half Words Lies The Truth

**Chapter Eleven – Through Half-Words Lies The Truth**

Her fingertip traveled along his jaw, following the bone with delicacy and care. As if she were afraid that it would break somehow. As if she were afraid that he would go away and she would be left alone. She saw him smile and felt how a wave a of warmth spread throughout her body immediately. She had adopted reactions, now. Whenever Will did something, Karen was sure that soon enough she would get a physical reaction from her own body. She couldn't controlled them. They came up by themselves and she tried now to get the most of them.

"I like your smile..."

His comment made her blush and she looked down immediately at the white line of sheets that quietly stood between the two of them. They rarely took that time when in bed. After having made love, when usually life caught them back into its singular whirl and the relieving moment they had lived was over. But today was different, for whatever reason. They both had an agenda to follow but for once, they did not give into it and preferred to succumb to the quietness of the hotel room and the intimacy they were sharing. Besides, Karen needed it; though she would have never let Will know about it.

"Would you like to go ice-skating with me?"

Karen barely restrained a laugh. It sounded almost like a teenager invitation; a clumsy, irresistible one. The kind of offer she had never had way back then. Who would have thought that it would come when she was thirty-nine? Locking her eyes with Will's, she nodded then bit her lower lip.

"Why not... Though it has been a long time, I warn you."

Since they had begun to sleep together, they barely saw each other outside of a hotel room and as much as it was nice, Karen couldn't help missing the past times; all the things they used to do before that. Not that ice-skating had ever been part of their plans.

"Then you will hold onto me."

As if to highlight his words, Will passed a hand on Karen's wait and held her tight against him. He had taken his afternoon off. Just for her. Just for them. When she thought about it, Stanley had never done such a thing while they were actually married. But she wasn't here to compare. She didn't have to.

"Alright. I will."

Things seemed easy with Will. Oddly enough since most of the times, when in public, they did nothing but argue. Actually, she simply let go of everything and didn't think too much; for too long. It worked out in all the complexity of their relation. Because they were nothing at the end. Nothing but lovers or friends with benefits.

Karen bent over in bed to capture his lips in a kiss but his words stopped her halfway. Completely.

"Have you ever thought about adoption?"

She swallowed hard. After all, he was the only one to know about that. But she didn't want to talk about that. Because it sounded wrong. She hadn't turned the page. It would take time.

"No."

As much as she was looking for more words, nothing came up. She wouldn't burst into cries but it all stayed trapped inside. Burning quietly. It was stupid to think such thing but what was a woman's goal now that she knew that she couldn't have a child?

She felt like getting up, all of a sudden. Get out of the bed, of that hotel room; of that world. Nothing sounded right anymore,somehow.

"Because you should. I saw you with Emma. Everyone did. And everyone thinks that you would..."

"I don't want to talk about that."

She got up, putting an abrupt end to Will's nonetheless sweet attempt to allude to such subject. It was cold outside the sheets and she went straight for her clothes that had been abandoned haphazardly on the floor a couple of hours before.

"I am sorry. I didn't want to hurt you in any way."

Hooking her bra, she turned around to smile at Will; politely enough. Of course, he hadn't meant to do her any harm. She knew it. But then he ignored all the rest and right now, it was hard for her to actually think straight. Too many problems; too many mistakes.

"You didn't. So when do we go ice-skating and where?"

From the bed, Will tended his hand in a quiet indication to Karen to join him back there. With a timid smile on her lips, she abdicated and grabbed his hand. It was hot against hers, and soft. She sat in front of him and raised an eyebrow questioningly; waiting for him to give her an answer.

"Where are you going?"

His question surprised her and she laughed lightly before shrugging. Will was a very sweet person, very attentive. Too much at times, perhaps.

"Why don't you have an agenda yourself? Don't you have things to do? People waiting for you?"

Will shook his head then dragged her with him against the pillows. His lips found the depth of her neck and he began to plant kisses there.

"Well, I do. I do have things to do... And people waiting for me."

But Will didn't seem to take offense. Actually, he simply held her tighter against him before stroking her cheek softly.

"I want to take you somewhere. Somewhere far. And there will just be you and I. If only for a couple of days. If only... If only for a while."

Every time Will came up with something like that, Karen had to repress the warm feeling it spread over her body. And the boiling sensation that it stirred up in her stomach. She blocked it all as if it were just a matter of will and swept it away with some fake reply.

She didn't like when Will said such things. Because it didn't match who they were and what they were supposed to do. It went too far and she was afraid that one day, they would cross the lines. It might get through half-words, she still knew that all the things he said weren't lies.


	12. My Life Without You

**Chapter Twelve – My Life Without You**

As much as she closed her eyes, the burning sensation clutched to her as if to get a better impact; a more bitter one. She swallowed hard and drew her hands to her forehand while bending her head over the desk. Of course, she cried at times. But never in public. Mostly behind the locked door of a remote room at her Upper East Side penthouse. Letting the tears run down at the office was a premiere but for once, she didn't seem able to restrain them anymore.

She used to sob quietly, as if to not catch attention. As a matter of fact, she never abandoned herself to her cries. Never completely. If she did so, then she would remember a time when she had witnessed her mother succumb to it; just after her father had died. And she didn't want to go back to that time. Never. Not now.

"Karen, I am going to need those..."

Grace stopped in her tracks as Karen jumped and smiled. As if nothing had happened. Of course, her friend had noticed what was going on even if she didn't know the reason of Karen's tears.

"What happened?"

For a few seconds, Karen felt like saying it all. As she plunged her eyes in her friend's ones, she tasted the sensation to finally confess all things that were weighing on her heart. But one more time, as these words brushed her lips, they turned around before disappearing again inside.

"Why, everyone is allowed to have ups and downs... No? Even the best ones."

She stood up and walked to the coffee maker to pour herself a mug of the hot beverage. Actually, she preferred tea but she never thought about bringing some at the office. Anyway, most of the times, she went for a Martini. Dry or eventually with olives.

"If something is wrong, you can confide in me. I... I am here for that too, you know."

Grace sounded extremely uncomfortable. She was forcing herself, obviously. Karen wouldn't bother her with anything.

"There is nothing to say, honey. Nothing... Nothing to add, really."

She hated admitting it but right now, Karen was dying for Will's arms. Not that she would tell him more but at least would she find some comfort there. And perhaps silence would heal.

She didn't want to depend on him like that. He wasn't there for that. Sure they could talk, randomly and from time to time but since they were clearly having an affair, it had defined a new scheme she had to stick to; whether she liked it.

Turning around, she headed to the window and sat there, grabbing the pack of cigarettes she left by it. For once, Grace didn't complain and let her do instead. Anyway, they weren't expecting any client and by tomorrow, the smell would have gone.

"Is it because of Stanley? You two argued again?"

Playing with her cigarette, Karen shrugged. She wouldn't say a word. Hopefully, the phone would ring and Grace would have to let go of that dead-end conversation. It was just a moment of weakness that Grace shouldn't have witnessed. Bad timing. It happened.

"Karen, it is just that..."

But as Grace made a few steps towards her, Karen shook her head and locked her eyes with her friend's before sighing loudly.

"You know nothing about my life, Gracie. Not that it is your fault since I never gave you the slightest detail but... Why would I start now? Believe me, you have better things to do with your time."

It was harsh. Not necessarily towards Grace but towards herself. A bit uncomfortable, Karen bit her lips and frowned. Perhaps she should go out for a while; go out for a walk. It had been a long time since she had taken the time to do so. Without anyone. Slowly, letting the hours pass by.

"But I would like to. You know, little by little... It is... You are more than a mere employee to me. And I hope that you actually know that. Perhaps we should have another girls' night."

Grace must have been kidding. That only night had turned out to be a real fiasco. They had got drunk then fallen asleep on top of each other on the sofa. Only to wake up the next morning with some major headache. Actually, Karen didn't even remember what they had talked about. And that was the scaring part.

"I am not sure that it is such a good idea, honey. Besides, I am rather busy. Lots of boring events with Stanley and... All that jazz."

It was a lie. As a matter of fact, their agenda was awfully empty for the first time in weeks; which was odd considering that Christmas was slowly approaching. They had hit December and yet for once, the parties didn't show up. Or at least not the invitations.

"Oh."

Perfect. Now Grace looked actually hurt. Which was definitely not the purpose in the first place. Karen didn't need that to feel guilty and down. All she wanted to do now was to drown herself in alcohol and wait for the time to sweep away the sun so everything got carried away by the vapors of vodka and that numbed world she needed so much.

"Then perhaps on Thursday... I mean, if you can. You can come over if Will doesn't go out that night."

Though to be honest, she preferred to avoid staying at the mansion. She needed another environment to forget it all. Grace shook her head before smiling.

"Oh, you can come at home. Will is going on a date. Again. His secret date..."

Karen froze. Literally. She had seen Will the day before and they hadn't settled on the next Thursday at all but on Friday. Perhaps Grace had got the wrong dates.

"Are you sure he won't be there? Usually, people go on a date on a Friday night, not on Thursday."

But Grace shook her head with certainty.

"No, on Friday he has to see this client of his... On Thursday, he has a date. He told me about it."


	13. Your Mysterious Guy

**Chapter Thirteen – Your Mysterious Guy**

The room was spinning around in that addicting way she had learned to love so much. Through the years and disillusions. Bringing the shot to her lips, Karen closed her eyes then focused on the burning sensation that wrapped up her throat as soon as she swallowed. She was drunk. Not to the point that she would have forgotten everything the next morning but still. Her world was numbed now and she loved it. More than anything.

"What do you like the most about men?"

The way Grace slurred her words let her understand that her friend wasn't in a better shape. Were their girls' night always led by alcohol that they got drunk every time? Somehow it was sad. As if they could not give into abandon without a few Margaritas and the strength of shots. As if without them, they kept it all under silence.

Crossing her legs, sat on the floor, Karen shrugged. She had wondered about such a thing a lot of times and mainly came to the conclusion that perhaps she should end up with a girl. Not for a change but... It would have seemed easier. And perhaps more logical too, at the end.

"Their capacity to hold you back before crashing down."

Which was a lie. Except from Will, they had always let her down miserably. Some had even seemed to actually enjoy her state of nearly nothingness and when she had been pleading them, they had turned around as if not hearing her moans. She would have died if she hadn't met some people.

"I meant sexually. What do you like from them?"

Uncomfortable, she grabbed her pack of cigarettes only to realize that it was empty. She didn't want to talk about such thing. Not now. Not with Grace. Mostly because she was standing in an awkward sort of situation right now and that her life didn't make the slightest sense. She hadn't slept with Stanley in months, now.

He had his mistress; she had her lover. And that was it.

"The way he kisses me here. It is soft, and attentive."

Karen motioned a spot on her neck where the skin was thin and sensitive. When Will's tongue ran on it, she forgot about all the rest and life seemed to become easy; bearable. It only lasted a few seconds but it was still better than nothing.

Grace giggled then sipped on her Martini. Her cheeks were red, now. The next morning, she would go and wake up with another headache. Just like the last time.

"This is what Stanley does to drive you crazy?"

Karen shook her head and didn't think that much. Of course if she had, she wouldn't have been in such vehemence. She would have lied, eventually. And nod quietly. Instead she almost burst out laughing.

"Of course not!"

"Then who are you talking about? Who is this 'he'?"

Karen let a few seconds pass by. She shouldn't have done so because immediately, Grace's eyes grew wider and soon enough the dark-haired woman had to face her friend's incredulity.

"Oh my God... You are cheating on your husband. You are having an affair."

"It isn't what you think it is."

Karen felt bold, all of a sudden. Too much, perhaps. But she didn't mind. It drained too much energy to lie and pretend. Every day. For once, she would let go of it and see what happened. Anyway, she wasn't as intoxicated as what one could have thought. She still could control her words and what she revealed.

"Then what is it? You have a lover! I can't believe it..."

"And so what? It isn't really a premiere, is it?"

Except her affair truly made her happy. Not that it was prohibited but still. It shouldn't have happened that way around. She didn't even experience guilt. Which somehow, made her feel guilty; if that ever made sense, actually.

"Do I know him? Wait. Ridiculous question. Of course, I don't. It must be your yoga instructor or Lord knows what. The classic scheme."

Karen didn't practice yoga. At times she played tennis but even for that, she didn't have an instructor. It was something that she had never liked, a part of New York socialite sphere that she still didn't manage to accept properly.

"Why are you cheating on your husband? You should have told me that things weren't going alright. I should have known about it and perhaps..."

"Perhaps what? You would have prevented it from happening? But who told you that I didn't like it?"

All of a sudden, the conversation was taking a dangerous path. An unknown one. As if to compensate the nervousness she was experiencing, Karen grabbed a clementine and peeled it off. She wasn't hungry but felt like saying it all to Grace. About Will, about her. When and where they met; since how long it had been on. Everything. Perhaps her friend wouldn't have even believed her at the end. After all, such a thing sounded impossible if not ridiculous but what would she give for being able to say it out loud.

"You aren't this kind of person. That's why I am telling you that. You... No. It isn't you."

"Well, perhaps it is your vision of a mistress that is wrong at the end. Have you ever thought about it? Perhaps you should work on that too."

Karen was being harsh when Grace was right. She wasn't that kind of woman. When she had accepted Stan's vows, she had meant it. Entirely. From the bottom of her heart. Except that now, a few years and a ton of disillusions later, she had changed her mind.

"Are you sad?"

Grace's sudden question took her aback. She hadn't expected such remark. Pondering it, Karen looked at the bottom of her Tequila shot and focused on it. She would be honest, there. If only to herself.

"No. Not anymore. On the contrary... It is like I have just got a brand new life and it is exciting to wake up all of a sudden and realize that you are alive."


	14. All The Things We Didn't Say

**Chapter Fourteen – All The Things We Didn't Say**

It hurt. It really did. But instead of complaining, she kept her teeth clenched and tried to breathe very slowly; as if it would make it all smoother. Of course, it didn't work at all but at least she could pretend in front of everyone and that was a beginning.

"Let me help you..."

Will felt guilty. Sadness had lit up his eyes since they had left the ER and he didn't know what to say. It was obvious that he thought it was his fault. After all, he was the one who had invited her to go on that ice-rink in the first place. He should have thought about sequels and what if she fell. Which had finally happened and she had hurt herself.

"It is just a sprained ankle. I will survive."

Trying to hide the pain, Karen smiled and settled further on the couch of the library. The penthouse was empty, pretty much as usual. Stanley would come back late in the evening and he wouldn't witness the slightest thing. He would go straight to bed; barely caring about her at the end. Perhaps in a few days, he would eventually notice her injury. And yet. She wouldn't have bet money on it.

"Do you want to drink something? A tea or... I don't know... But hey, you are on antibiotics so please, no alcohol. Okay? You know that it is a dangerous mix."

The way Will cared for her made her blush. It was cute somehow. It did go on her nerves since she was not twelve years old but the delicacy with which he looked at her and spoke won over the rest. She bit her lower lip and nodded at him.

Days were passing by and Karen was regretting things. Not just a couple of them but a whole series of facts that she had learned to recognize as being part of her life. At times, she lost herself in wonders and what if she hadn't married Stan. What if she had met Will first. There was something terribly wrong but she couldn't help it. Then she came back to reality anyway and pretended that nothing had happened. It was rather easy, at the end. For a thousand reasons.

"No. I am fine."

She loved his smile. That awkward, unsure smile. It reminded her of her adolescence when nobody had self-confidence and the slightest motion of boldness came to die in a sweet timidity. Well, it was alike with Will. Not because he wouldn't have had a lot of experience with women but because...

_Because what?_

Karen swallowed hard. She needed to stop thinking. It was getting too far and one day, she would come to the conclusion that perhaps they shouldn't have given it a try. At all. It bothered her to think like that. It bothered her terribly.

"Stanley is going to kill me."

It made her laugh if only lightly. Will was sleeping with her but he cared more about a sprained ankle at the end than breaking down a marriage. Slowly, she bent over and cupped his face with her hand. Only two weeks and a half were left before Christmas. Two weeks and a half before...

_Before what?_

She didn't celebrate anything with Stanley. They would eventually get invited to some impersonal party and she would wonder why she had accepted in the first place. When all she wanted was to spend time with people she loved; people who let her understand that she somewhat belonged to a family.

"You know, I am over eighteen. If I hurt myself then that it is. Don't blame yourself on that, honey."

Honey. The word resounded loud as she realized her mistake. She couldn't go affective like that when they were not in public. Because of what they lived; because of the way she had loudly sighed against him the day before when she had felt his tongue run on her jaw.

"I think that we should talk."

Her heart began to beat faster. Now it was all coming without any warning; and she wasn't prepared at all. For anything. Besides, she couldn't even walk away because of her injury.

Why did people have to end up feeling like talking? Could they not understand that it meant the end of everything? When one asked for a talk, the other could sign it off and pack. It was as easy as that. And harsh, too.

But she had no escape, that time. Looking around desperately, Karen nodded; shyly. Sometimes in life, it was better to not explain the slightest thing. To not ask for detail. One let himself carry away by time and things happened or not. But then there was nobody to blame and it was better like that.

"My parents hold this dinner, some sort of pre-Christmas thing and I was wondering if you would like to come with me. Grace is... You know, she has other things to do and Christmas, well, she doesn't even celebrate it so... I need someone to come with me. Mostly because... Mostly because I don't want to be alone."

She would have lied if she hadn't said that the first thing she thought about happened to be Emma. She hadn't forgotten about her. On the contrary, the little baby had invaded her dreams and quietly enough, Karen kept on replaying these moments in her head. Because yes, she wanted a child. But she wouldn't get any. It was just like that.

"Sure... Why not!"

She wanted to bend over to kiss his lips but at the last second, she remembered that they were at the mansion. It wouldn't be appropriate. Ridiculously enough, of course, but still. So she restrained herself and swallowed hard instead as Will smiled brightly.


	15. Definitions And Statuses

**Chapter Fifteen – Definitions And Statuses**

As she scanned her surroundings, Karen wondered if her bedroom would have looked like that if she had had a house to go back to at times. Her parents' house. The family house. Will's seemed to belong to the past as if as soon as you entered, time stopped and you were trapped in a world where the mere reference to minutes and seconds didn't exist. It was a teenager bedroom, with posters and old photos on the walls; high school books abandoned on the shelves. It was strange to imagine that Will had, at some point, lived there. It looked too far from the person he was now.

"I am sorry. I had assumed that a lot less people would stay here for the night."

For the hundredth time, Karen welcomed Will's apologies with a silent nod and a timid smile. Could she really care about sharing her lover's bedroom for the night? Sure nobody knew about their secret affair but themselves which might bring some sort of delicacy to the situation regarding the Truman's family and yet... Passing an absent-minded hand over the bedspread, Karen slowly lay down; crossed her arms on her chest before staring intently at the ceiling.

The lunch had gone smoothly. After all, Karen was far from being a novice in the art of conversation. Stanley had married her for that exact purpose. She knew how to behave in society and when required. Besides, she liked Marilyn and George. They were awfully dysfunctional; terribly attaching. Just some regular family in a word except she didn't have any herself and it was relieving, if only at times, to end up with one for a few hours.

They had lost themselves in talks until the sun had declined and the moon had swept it away once and for all. They had stayed for dinner and if it hadn't been for the snow that had begun to fall around eight, they would have come back to Manhattan in the evening. But the weather conditions weren't good ones so they had decided to stay and spend the night over; like the rest of the family. The house was full now and Karen had had to share Will's bedroom.

For everyone, Will was gay. It made no doubt even though Karen hadn't alluded to it. On several occasions, some people had mentioned Michael to her. And Grace. Would Karen now belong to their conversation as well? She highly doubted so. She didn't have Grace's status to their eyes. The thought made her raise a dubious eyebrow. She didn't like being forgotten, being left aside.

"Do you have a shirt or something? I hate sleeping in my underwear."

Finally stepping out of his bathroom, Will leaned against the door frame and smirked. Karen looked up at him. He was only wearing his boxers and a white, plain t-shirt.

She had always been attracted to him if only physically. Will was good-looking; no point in hiding such thing. She probably even looked ridiculous by his side now she thought about it.

"Well, there is actually another option for which your underwear isn't needed at all."

A cell phone rang near the old, wooden desk. Will went for it and took the device out of the pocket of his jeans. His smile froze as he looked at the screen. Karen swallowed hard when he turned around to turn his back at her. Was he trying to hide it from her? It was a ridiculous attempt.

Clearing her voice, Karen tried to ignore the slight embarrassment that the situation had stirred up; all of a sudden. Without any warning.

"Is that him?"

Her voice had been low. Actually, she didn't recognize it herself. Her tone wasn't reproachful at all, not really hurt either. As a matter of fact, her question had sounded soft and deprived of consequences but the obvious ones.

She hadn't forgotten what Grace had told her during their girls' night. How Will was seeing someone and how she had come to the conclusion that it couldn't be her for reasons of schedules.

"Or her..."

After all, it was obvious now that Will could also sleep with women. Sitting up on the bed, Karen didn't say anything else. She just waited patiently, nervously, for an answer. She wouldn't yell at him if he was seeing someone else. Who was she to do so, anyway? And it wouldn't hurt either, no. Because she had no right to allow it to.

Phone in hand, Will turned around and stared at her in what looked like disbelief. Without saying the slightest word, he finished his message then sent it before putting the cell phone down on his desk. A veil of confusion seemed to nourish his eyes as he slowly made his way to the bed and cupped Karen's face with his hand.

"You are the only one, Kare."

Lies. Yet she let his lips capture hers in a deep kiss; let him lay her down as his body molded hers with that usual softness she had learned to recognize as his. Instinctively, Karen's foot began to caress his leg and she barely restrained a sigh as his hand traveled down her hip until it made it to her ankle.

"Ouch!"

Immediately, Will broke apart and looked down at her with confusion. She had almost bitten his lips as the pain had shot through her body and she had let the word come out.

"My ankle..."

Barely a week and a half had passed by since she had sprained it on the ice-rink. She was on crutches when she needed to walk and a tight tape was still protecting her ankle. She had had to accept the fact of wearing flat shoes too which she hid thanks to ankle-length dresses and skirts. Without her stilettos, Karen was nothing. Or just bare, naked. She hated it.

"Oh, I am sorry."

A blue light on the desk caught her attention. It was probably another message. From 'him' or 'her'. As odd as it could sound, she was hoping for a man. Not a woman. Will noticed her staring and he turned around, not letting go of her nonetheless. A few seconds passed by before he finally turned back to her and captured her lips again. Messages would wait. They would always do so when with Karen.


	16. London Calling

**Chapter Sixteen – London Calling**

Her eyes landed on the glass of Martini for the hundredth time. It was full. She hadn't touched it. Oh, she would drink it down soon enough of course; probably as soon as he would leave her alone and she would feel like crying. But for the moment, she was simply focused on the latent pain that had wrapped up her throat and the odd sensation, a dizzy one, that the world was about to stumble once and for all. A sort of earthquake in her pointless life. And she didn't like it at all.

"Fine."

She cleared her voice because her reply had seemed to come from very far. Yet she didn't add anything. What for? When with Stanley, she saved up her words; and wasted her time bitterly. On the other side of the table, her husband looked satisfied. He nodded then stood up before leaving the room just as she had planned.

For a few seconds, Karen remained still and holding her breath. Her heart was beating loud; fast against her chest. Her mouth was dry. With a shaking hand, she grabbed the glass and gulped down the alcohol. Vodka burnt her throat before embracing of a delicate, addicting warmth, her lungs.

She needed to see Will. The urge showed up without any warning. Just like that. Standing up and going for her crutches, she left the living-room in silence. With some hope, she would never come back. And if she had been brave enough, she would have rushed away; far, very far. Without telling anyone.

The taxi left her in the middle of Little Italy. Not that she really liked this area of Manhattan but some distance with the rest of the city would be paramount as soon as he would pass the door and she would throw herself in his arms. For once, she wouldn't mind that much about people's gazes on them; things they could say or think. The circumstances were different. Desperate. And she held hopes over dreams that she couldn't even tell.

"A cappuccino..."

The waitress nodded at her then disappeared at the back of the cafe. Why was it empty? For once, she wouldn't have minded getting lost in the crowd because it was exactly what she needed. Anonymity. A singular feeling to be surrounded and safe. But she had chosen the place before reaching it and had sent him the address. Besides it was snowing outside and with her crutches, she couldn't walk very far.

He passed the door a few minutes later while she had been observing her cappuccino with anxiety. She wasn't fine; as if she had temperature. Except she wasn't getting sick, just extremely sad.

She didn't let him speak. As soon as he reached her table, she stood up and threw herself in his arms as tightly as she could. Will got taken aback but after a few seconds, he held her back; his face plunged in her neck. Resisting the urge to plant a kiss on his nape, Karen simply closed her eyes and swallowed as hard as she could. She wouldn't let go of him. Not now. Never. Then perhaps he would take her away; and the rest would disappear.

"What is happening?"

His voice was soft yet barely hiding his sudden nervousness. Even though they had always been close, Karen had rarely shown such moment of despair. Usually, she kept it all for herself; no mattered how it could burn. And hurt.

"I don't want to go away."

Of course, her reply surprised him and they finally sat at the table. Will ordered a drink and if she had waited for nothing but this moment, now that he had arrived, Karen was scared; and shy. Taking a deep breath, she swallowed hard and frowned.

"It is Stanley. Walker Inc. moves to London and he wants me to come with him."

After all, she was his wife. It seemed rather logical that she followed him. Except she didn't want to. It didn't make sense in her head because her life was here, in Manhattan.

"When do you leave?"

She shook her head to his question. It wouldn't happen. She wouldn't pack and take a flight, a one way ticket flight, to England. Sure she had said to Stan that she would think about it but in her head, it was all clear. She needed to stay in New York if she wanted to keep on breathing.

"I don't want to... What for? Yet we don't see each other here so what would it change if we didn't live on the same continent? And what would I do, out there?"

"Have you told him about that?"

Karen shook her head miserably; one more time. She took a sip of her cappuccino then realized that she had forgotten to put sugar in it. She hated bitter drinks.

"Perhaps it is a sign... The sign that it is time to turn the page and ask for a divorce. It isn't like I would be putting an end to a couple life. We never really had one, in the end."

Divorce. The word had the effect of a bomb and if not for Will then for her because it had come up on itself. She hadn't planned on saying such thing. All of a sudden, she withdrew her hand from under his and moved nervously on her seat; looking desperately for a new focus. She shouldn't have said that. He would assume that she was asking him for a few things that couldn't happen. That didn't have the right to happen.

Will seemed hesitant. All of a sudden, he looked around; holding back a sigh. Staring at him with some obvious embarrassment, Karen bit her lower lip. Obviously, nothing would go right, today. Absolutely nothing. She needed to drown it under so-called excuses.

"Do you want to go to the hotel for a couple of hours?"

At least sex was relieving.


	17. Pleasure And Duties

**Chapter Seventeen – Pleasure And Duties**

Not that would she have ever admitted but it was the first time that a man didn't offer her jewels. Usually, they all went for diamonds; mainly earrings and necklaces as if an old male fetishism found a quiet yet vivid eloquence through the gesture. They would caress her earlobes, then. And kiss her neck while their fingers would brush the gems. But not Will.

Passing her tongue over her lips, she slid her fingertips over the book cover and didn't say a word. It was unexpected yet for once she was glad that someone had thought about pleasing her intellect over her appearances.

"I wrote down a note, inside. On the first page..."

Looking up at him briefly, she opened the book and stopped on his handwriting. The black ink seemed to contrast sharply with the whiteness of the blank page; the words sliding over it with care.

_Love is a mere pleasure, honor is a duty_

_W._

She raised a dubious eyebrow at the message but before she had time to ask for further details, he went into his own explanation. A rather simple one, actually.

"It is a quote from it. _The Cid _is a play that I assume you would find useful. Now and, you know, at any time of your life. As soon as you are having doubts."

Karen nodded. She had probably read it in college but if she knew the story line, the meaning remained rather blurry. Yet Will's message turned out to be extremely clear. Too much, perhaps. Awkwardly, she bent over and took him in her arms for a hug. She wished she could have kissed him, felt the heat of his skin against hers. But even though they were alone, she didn't dare; for whatever reason.

"Thank you..."

"Champagne?"

She gladly welcomed his question and looked at him go to the kitchen. In silence, Will took a bottle out of the freezer and opened it. It was an odd, intimate Christmas Eve. Stanley had decided to celebrate it with his ex-wife as well as their children and while Jack had gone on a date with his new crush, Karen and Will had found themselves alone. Grace had headed to her parents, like every year. If she had had to be honest, Karen should have recognized that it was actually the perfect evening. Especially if they considered the circumstances. She hadn't taken her decision yet concerning London. She hadn't even mentioned it to Jack and Grace. The more she thought about it, the less she wanted to leave. And now Will came up with such message; an implicit meaning.

"Merry Christmas."

Will responded by a smile as he sat back down by her side and tended her a glass of Champagne. She would spend the night at his place. They would make love and wake up in each other's arms the very next morning as if it were logical and meant to be. Except it might be the last time. Perhaps within a week, she would leave with Stanley and never come back.

A week. Seven days. The countdown had officially begun and she could feel its weight on her more and more every day. She hated the sensation it left on her; how her nights were agitated ones, how dreams had never looked so far.

"Will you come to Stan's farewell party on Tuesday? If only to see me walk, hopefully."

Karen laughed lightly while looking down at her ankle. If everything went well, within two days they would take off her tape and she would renounce to crutches. It didn't hurt anymore. Though the pain had simply traveled up her body to settle in her heart, now. And it was worse.

"Of course, I will. He wasn't really my client or well... On a few files but still. He is your husband so it means a lot to me."

"Why, because you are banging me?"

Will laughed quietly then shook his head before taking a sip of his Champagne.

"No. Because I care for you. A lot more than you actually can imagine."

Feeling the situation slip through her fingers, Karen cleared her voice and adopted a lighter tone. They didn't have to play along these lines. They were dangerous ones. Irreversible and painful. Like a finger one would approach too much from fire.

"Hadn't you promised me some music? It is awfully silent, here!"

Will nodded then stood up to put on some CD. As the first notes of the saxophone filled the room, she couldn't help smiling. Stanley hated jazz. As a matter of fact, he hated music at all. That was something that she had terribly missed in their couple. Silence was heavy at times.

"Ella Fitzgerald?"

"I will name my daughter Ella."

Karen chuckled as she lit up a cigarette and looked at him sit by her side again. His determination was strange; surreal, when she thought about it.

"What if you have a boy?"

But Will shook his head vehemently. For a few seconds, he grabbed her pack of cigarettes but played with it only. He didn't smoke. Or just occasionally. Karen bit her lower lip, cigarette in hand.

"I will have a daughter. I know it. I can sense it."

Standing up to go for an ashtray, Karen shook her head and sighed.

"This is ridiculous. Nobody can be sure of such thing."

"Unless one is thinking about adoption."

She stopped in her tracks as the words hit the air and wrapped her up in a veil of bitterness. That was a low comment. Not mean but low considering her own problems that he knew very well. He didn't have the right to come up again with that. Because it was harsh and she didn't want to talk about it. Even less hear someone allude to it.

"Do you have any fantasy, Will? A sexual one, I mean. It is Christmas. Take advantage of it."

End of the conversation. Intermission before the second act. And who knew? Perhaps some _Deus Ex Machina _soon enough.


	18. Just One Word

**Chapter eighteen – Just One Word**

The chilly December breeze brushed her ankle as she lifted up her dress if only slightly but she didn't care. On the contrary, she flashed him a bright smile; one of those Will always managed to elicit on her face. Life owned a singular lightness when she was with him. As if all her problems turned into a brief cloud that would go away all by itself. They were lovers. It was the least that their affair could bring at the end.

"You are walking..."

She felt a sense of exclamation in his voice, a subtle but soft one. Then she noticed the veil of warmth; there, in his brown eyes. He was happy. Just as she was.

Nodding enthusiastically, Karen moved her ankle as if to highlight Will's words. The moment her tape had been taken off, she had felt almost naked and cold. She had got used to it; unexpectedly enough. It had become a sort of second skin, a well welcome shield. And now she was bare again; had to do with it.

"I am! I can even dance. Would you dance with me tonight?"

A couple entered the lobby that led to the ballroom. Quietly, Will and Karen let them pass by as a veil of timidity suddenly spread over them. She was glad that he had decided to attend Stan's farewell party because it would have turned heavy and depressing without him. Especially since...

"Save the last dance for me."

She burst out laughing before accepting his arms around her frame. A mere hug that all of a sudden got a brand new dimension and she shivered; swallowed hard. It wasn't the right time to let herself fall into this kind of consideration. She should have thought about it earlier.

"Come on, let's go inside, now."

Taking his arm, she led him through the thick oak doors of the old ballroom. Small tables had been put around a dance floor where a few guests were already moving to the tunes played by a band. They were expecting two hundred people; mostly businessmen. Anyway, they didn't have many friends outside of Stan's little professional sphere. Acquaintances for most of them.

She hadn't invited Grace or Jack mainly because they didn't know her husband very well. Sure she had told them that he was leaving for London but the latest news from her side simply said that she hadn't made her choice yet and would tell them when needed. If needed. Will... It was different. It had always been different.

"Where is Stanley?"

"I don't know, somewhere around. Do you want to drink something? Champagne... Anything."

She had let go of his arm as soon as they had entered. Automatically and it had hurt. Will nonetheless nodded at her offer and accepted a glass of Champagne.

"Karen, I..."

Will's shy attempt came to die, stifled by the music and a woman's sudden presence by their side who had stopped by to talk with Karen. And as if he hadn't been there, she had got Karen's full attention; as much as her hazel eyes remained on him for long seconds, letting him understand that her curiosity had raised up.

"Long time not seeing you my dear... How is life treating you? Please don't forget us when you are in London, on the other side of the pond! I don't know how you can accept to go and bear all this rain. It has to be a beautiful country but lord... This weather!"

A bit uncomfortable, Will smiled at Karen as she looked up at him with embarrassment. Obviously, she hadn't told anyone yet but him that she was hesitating. That she didn't want to leave. Because her whole life was here, in Manhattan.

"Oh, don't be worried, Judith. I will make sure that she buys plenty of umbrellas and that right from the beginning which means January, 1st!"

As Stanley arrived and passed his arm protectively around Karen's waist, Will's heart missed a bit. The flame in Karen's eyes had suddenly vanished as she had looked down, obviously avoiding his gaze as Stanley had made such comment.

So she had made her choice. And she hadn't told him. Even worse, she wasn't staying.

"Would you excuse me for a second."

It is only once he found himself back in the busy street that Will realized he had kept his glass in hand. Yet nobody was looking at him oddly. As a matter of fact, he passed completely unnoticed. Dizzy and confused, he turned on his left; unconvinced of the way he had to choose. Where to go to.

"Will! Wait..."

Karen's voice had sounded fragile, on the verge to break as she was obviously short of breath. She had run to catch him back before... Before what? Before it being too late? He swallowed back the irony of such thought. It was too late.

Turning around, he let her come closer but didn't say a word. She looked so pale; disarmed. If it hadn't been for such circumstances, he would have taken her in his arms.

"I wanted to tell you about it. I wanted to tell you tonight. I..."

"Don't do that. Don't go away. You know as much as I do that it isn't what you want."

His remark took her aback and she simply passed her tongue over her lips. She hadn't put a coat on and she was shivering; there, in the middle of the street. Under the snow that was falling down icily.

"Please, stay here. Stay with me. And... And who cares if Stanley goes away? Who cares if you don't go and follow him because you would be with me? And you would stop lying. And we would live together because this is how it is supposed to be. This is... Damn, this is about you and me. You can't do that to me. No, you can't, Kare. Because I love you. I love you more than anything. Please stay here and let me have a chance to prove you that I am worth it at the end. Just one word, Karen. I am asking you one word. 'Yes'. And then I promise you that you won't hold any regret."

His words flew in the air as if taken away in a whirl of abrupt truth and they floated there above their heads in the middle of the busy street. Karen remained still; her eyes glittering in the pale light of the evening. Why had he said such a thing? Why did despair have to push people to such extreme choices? Will swallowed hard, counting the seconds. Waiting for her reply. Yet he didn't regret the slightest word he had said out loud.

And then, slowly, she seemed to come back to the exact moment. Except she shook her head; frowned in that apologetic way one can't bear.

"I can't do that... I am sorry, Will. What we lived is... It was great, and sweet. But Stan is my husband. This is different. We are married. I have to go to London with him."


	19. Let The Countdown Begin

**Chapter Nineteen – Let The Countdown Begin**

_What kind of client asks you to meet him on December, 31__st__?_

The kind that hurt, that crashed down a couple of unexpected hopes and let you there in the middle of a life in ruins as if nothing had happened if only for the slight bitterness that overtook you. But one more time, Will remained quiet and looked down as Grace's words resounded loud in his head. Of course it had been a pitiful excuse from him to escape Karen's departure, to not say her goodbye before looking at her limousine vanish through the traffic for the last time.

"We are running out of red wine."

Grace's urgent voice got him out of his bitter daydreams. A bit confused, he looked up at his friend and let a few seconds pass by. The music was loud and people were talking everywhere around, adding to the cacophony that made him feel dizzy. He wasn't in the mood for a party but how could he have said no at the last minute to New Year's Eve at his place? Yet he had had to lie in the morning to not see her leave.

"I can go if you want. I wouldn't say no to some fresh air, anyway. We are suffocating, here."

Grace frowned. For the very first time since the earliest hours of the morning, she looked preoccupied for him. Yet he would have preferred her to not see anything or at least pretend that there was nothing to see.

"What is wrong with you? You look... You look defeated."

The choice of adjective surprised him yet he had to admit, if only to himself, that it was the perfect one that described the way he felt. He had fallen in love with Karen. When, where, how. He couldn't even say but now it was there and she had left.

"I am fine, just a slight headache. I grab my coat and I go. Don't be worried, Gracie. And have fun."

Making his way through the crowd, Will reached the coat rack and grabbed his woolen coat. Nobody seemed to have realized that he was on the verge of leaving. Apparently, he was passing unnoticed and had turned out to be invisible which left an odd feeling on his soul. He had ceased to exist, if only in a world of implicit statements.

And then he opened the door.

Slowly and taken by surprise, obviously she hadn't thought that someone would open the door while she was about to step in, she took off her sunglasses before putting them on top of her head. She had been crying. Her eyes were red and vaguely puffed. No. Actually, as Will finally connected back with reality, he noticed that tears were still running down her cheeks. Quietly.

"Shouldn't you be in England by now?"

Nervous and obviously uncomfortable, Karen danced on her feet before shrugging. It was strange and troubling to see her so vulnerable; so fragile. It didn't match what she showed everybody. It seemed just as if the whole world had suddenly broken down into pieces.

"What is the point if you aren't there?"

…

_One year later..._

For the hundredth time, Karen observed her signature at the bottom of the page. Her shaking hand didn't reflect through her handwriting. And the dark ink contrasted sharply with the white page.

So that was it. A mere signature, just a few letters, that would change the rest of her life. For ever. Just as a few seconds had resulted enough a year earlier to make it all tip over.

The softness of his lips on her neck made her smile. Instinctively, she turned around to capture his own lips. She was addicted to his warmth, the heat of his body and the scent of his skin. Actually, Will was a vital need.

"Do you really have to kiss that often? It is becoming slightly annoying. And depressing for the single ones who are here."

Immediately, they broke apart and looked at Grace sat on the leather armchair of the living-room. She had that serene smile on her lips, the one that had taken time to settle down when she had seen them kiss on New Year's Eve the year before; right when Karen had come back unexpectedly. There hadn't been any drama but a veil of uncomfortable silence and incomprehension. A sentiment of injustice but before the obvious, she had had to abdicate. Will loved Karen. Karen loved Will.

"If you can't behave, the adoption agency might reconsider their decision. You know that, right?"

"Which is why they should have started with a dog. It would have matched the oddness of their couple. Don't you think so?"

Jack closed the fridge and went to sit on the sofa next to Karen; bottle of water in hand.

"We aren't odd."

"Yes, you are! You divorced a billionaire to marry a gay guy. Now this is what I call odd, and out of... Conventionalism."

Karen didn't like the way she was always reminded such thing. As if for once she had listened to her heart, she should have gone for Cartesian, cold and impersonal measures. She hadn't lost the slightest thing with Will, on the contrary. Her eyes stopped back on her signature at the bottom of the adoption agency contract. Nothing was odd in all of this. It was the way it had to be.

"Who cares about conventionalism?"

Her whispered words flew in the air before disappearing behind the loud silence of her feelings. The water flow had calmed down. Her life began to make sense. For the very first time. She couldn't let go of Will like that. He was her bridge. Her bridge to hopes, and dreams. And smiles.

To a brand new page waiting for her, eagerly.


End file.
